The breakthrough came during one of the few visits my “girlfriend” and I paid to my mother. On this God-ordained afternoon, the three of us were sitting at her kitchen table when my friend made a hypocritical comment that made my mother cringe. She had made many idiotic comments over the years but, that day, I actually heard her words – you know what I mean? I actually saw my mother’s disgust… and I put together the truth behind why she was disgusted. As the result of my mother’s persevering prayers and unconditional love, God was able to open my eyes to my dreadful situation like never before. For the first time in four years, I saw how awful I was. I heard how ridiculously conniving and cynical my “girlfriend” was, and I began to realize I wanted out of that situation.
My undone state hit me like a ton of bricks, and I looked at the woman I lived with in a whole new way. Simultaneously, it was awful and it was wonderful that God’s deliverance day had come to me… but I wasn’t totally out of the woods.
From that day on, I could barely stand to be in the same room with my “girlfriend”, let alone occupy the same household. I realized she hated me and was just using me to appease the enemy. I realized I hated her, too… I was no saint at that point; and the growing disgust made it impossible to continue life as usual between us.
A fight erupted one evening as she cooked dinner and called me “phony”. Although I’d been living in deception and hypocrisy for years, hearing those words from her infuriated me because I had decided to come out of that state and I knew she hadn’t. Moreover, I realized what an absolute sucker I had been to think she cared about me at all, ever… something my mother knew and tried often to tell me through the years, but I wouldn’t listen.
So – as my “girlfriend” stood at that stove shaking her head in hypocritical, arrogant condescension – extreme fear, guilt, shame, condemnation, hatred, and piercing anger hit me all at once, precisely directed toward her as I walked over to her and started shouting. I saw fear come into her eyes and, before I knew it, I’d actually head-butted her while spewing a vitriolic fury of frustration, accusation, and rage. Also, her lip was bleeding.
She called her mother to come get her and waited outside for her arrival; I was glad she did. When her mom arrived, I peered out the front door in time to see the woman start toward the apartment door only to be called back by my “girlfriend”. Given the mood I was in, that proved a wise decision on her part because, at that point, I likely would have also head-butted her mom!
Finally, I had come to the end of myself.
Lord willing, next week: The Breakthrough: Part 2